dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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