my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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