Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I love having hate sex.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
