I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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