words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This is the high leading the old right now
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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