I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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