Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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