I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
