My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
