??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
