She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
