I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
