i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
