Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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