Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
