Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
