her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sponge bath it is.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
