Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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