I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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