Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
