If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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