how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
