I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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