i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
