I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
