I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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