At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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