Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
