I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
