he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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