I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
