my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
