I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize