on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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