Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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