Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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