So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
