Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
