I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
