A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
