KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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