FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
FUCK WHALES
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
