Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
