she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
