God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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