Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
