This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
