My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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