i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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