He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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