I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
