Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
