Well apparently he's into motor boating.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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