I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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