I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
