So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's shark week go big or go home
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
