i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
