Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
