I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
