I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
